SMALL TALK
A Monologue (Excerpt)
By Stan Matthews

[Lights up]

(Middle aged guy walks on stage carrying a coffee cup as if he's looking for a place to sit, walks up to table)

It's a little crowded today, mind if I join you?

(sets his coffee cup on the table and sits down)

You a regular here?

Yeah, I know it's really none of my business, just small talk.

(sips coffee)

That's one of the problems with this country—too much small talk. We used to talk big: "54-40 or fight", "Give me liberty or give me death", and my favorite: "Bring it on!"

Yeah, BRING IT ON!

George W., now there was a President who had...how do I say it politely? Kuh-JONES. Brain the size of a pea, but cojones like pair of cantaloupes.

(Gestures like he's holding a cantaloupe in each hand)

Bring it OWN! Root hog or die!

(Shakes head and sips coffee)

You know what makes me mad these days? Everything.

Ev-er-EEE-thing.

Four dollar coffee, welfare cheats, Obamacare, politicians—I'll tell you something though, that Ted Cruz, the senator? Harvard man, he's smart.

But the left-wing, lamestream media makes him out like he's stupid because he read a kids book on the Senate Floor when he was filibustering Obamacare, and they claim he didn’t understand it—said he got the moral of the story wrong.

Well pardon my French, but that's a load of manure.

Have you ever read it - Green Eggs and Ham by Dr. Seuss?

Well, I went down to the library and checked it out, and I was shocked. It's not really a kids book.

It's about a creepy little guy named Sam who is trying to get this doggy-looking guy to eat some (finger quotes) "green egg and ham." But the dog guy doesn't want to eat it.

I mean, who the hell would? If you look at the pictures, it's not just the eggs that are green, the ham is green too! Probably spoiled rotten, for god's sake.

But this Sam guy is relentless. He keeps pushing and pushing and pushing until finally the doggy man gives in just to get Sam off his back.

Well, one taste was all it took. Lights out, major brain freeze. As soon as he tastes it, this upstanding doggy guy is afflicted with an all-consuming Jones for the green stuff.

The first thing he says is: "I'd eat them in a boat, I'd eat them with a goat."

Did you catch that? That Satanic reference?

The man clearly says "I would eat this stuff with a freakin' goat." That means Satan.

Makes my skin crawl.

So Ted Cruz seems to be the only one who recognizes that this Sam guy is a pusher, just like Obama. See, he turns this honest, hardworking dog man into a slobbering Satan worshiper just by giving him a taste of affordable health care.

The book ends there, but anybody can see where it's going. One day this guy is going to find out his kids have been getting into his stash and his teenage daughter is so hooked on the stuff that she's gone out and gotten pregnant, just so she can score some of that free pre-natal care.

That's where it goes. End of America.

Am I right?

(Pause, stare until he audience absorbs the implications, then nod.)

So, what does the liberal media do in the face of this undeniable truth? They try to crucify Ted Cruz, because he has the courage to speak the truth.

(Short pause for effect, sip coffee, mentally shift gears)

This kind of thing has been going on for centuries.

Ever heard of Martin Luther? He tried to speak out and the Pope made him eat worms.

A lot of people never heard that, but I'm something of a history buff and it's in all the history books.

The Pope didn't like the way Martin Luther was talking, so he forced him to have the "Diet of Worms." Check it out.

(Glances down at the opposite side of the table)

Are you gonna finish that cannoli?

Cool, I just didn't want to see it go to waste. That's something my mother drilled into me - "Clean your plate, there are children starving in China."

I always wised off when she said it, but it stuck with me.

I hate to see anything go to waste. I compost everything-leftover food, grass clippings, leaves.

I made a worm composter out an old refrigerator, just laid it on its side. I figure, if Obama decides to put me on a diet of worms, at least I'll have my own supply. Eh?

(pause as if waiting for an affirmation. Takes a sip of coffee.)

You aren't a liberal are you?

Independent?

Pardon my saying so, but I don't see how anyone can be an independent these days—just like I can't understand how anyone could be bisexual.

I mean, I personally don't care if you are straight or gay, but at least you ought to pick a side so everyone knows what to expect.

I'd really hate to go home and find my wife with another man—I mean I'd probably cut his head off and throw it in the worm bin; but if I found out she was fooling around with another woman ... I mean, what are you supposed to do? How's a guy supposed to act?

(Sips coffee, shakes his head)

What were we talking about? Oh yeah, politics and you said you are an independent—middle of the road, out there on the yellow line with the raccoon carcasses and dead snakes—no offense intended.

You aren't one of those gun control freaks are you?

No, you look too intelligent. I can usually spot the gun control nuts, they freak out when they find out I'm packing a piece of artillery.

(Pulls back his jacket and points to a holstered pistol)

Have you ever read the Constitution cover to cover?

No shit?

Well, I've gotta be honest, I haven't actually read it word for word myself, but I know what it says. I spend a lot of time in my car and I make a point of listening to Constitutional experts on the radio when I'm driving around.

That Rush Limbaugh, he's another guy the liberal media can't stand because he's so smart.

Okay, he's not a doctor. He got a lot of grief because he didn't understand the exact number of birth control pills a woman has to take so she can be a slut, but he stood his ground.

The man never apologizes. You have to respect that.

Liberals? They go running around like babies begging forgiveness when they make some stupid mistake. But Rush? He just keeps kicking ass and naming names. Standing up for the working man.

That's why he can afford his own private jet. And he comes right out and says it, "I'm just in it for the money," he says. No apologies.

Do or die.

Liberty or death.

Truth or consequences.

Commitment. That's the difference between big talk and small talk.

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